The Thaw

 

Wake my child,

Come walk with me

Allow yourself to

Be transported back in time.

Step forward with glee

Hear the sounds serenading your

Journey, crunch, crunch, crunch.

Experience what it’s like to

Dance in the rain of the trees as you

Look up to see only blue sky

Bask in the glory of the sun

Melt like the frost as you

Return home to thaw

Drift off to sleep once more and

Remember always to

Dream

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The Naked Chef

Yer title like many was based on a lie,

just cause you danced scuddie as a wee guy.

Yer cooking programs were never really ma taste,

no sure if it was just the smug look on yer face.

A would’ve stayed quiet, kept ma mooth shut tight

but when you destroyed IRN-BRU ye started a fight.

Noo I cannae get sugar and defos no Bru

and a don’t know what else a can do.

But shout ma mooth aff at some poncy bloke

that somehow convinced some other mad folk.

That another tax was jist whit we need

cos some other folk cannae control their greed.

So noo a cannae get Irn Bru just a poisonous impostor

and more and more places are beginning to foster

A no sugar attitude that destroys my freedom of choice,

and all I have left is a sugar lovers sad voice.

Ye’ve opened yer gob ance too often fur me,

A’ve nae interest in what ye think I should huv fur ma tea.

Stuff your poncy ideas and yer naked ass too

and if you can find one a real can of Irn Bru

Up the bum of a turkey or maybe a duck

and get yerself right tae……..

 

#RealIrnBru #SugarLover #SugarTax #WhatHappenedToChoice
#IDetestJamieOliver #IdRatherPayTheTaxThanDrinkAspartame
#BarrsYouLetUsDown

Tom McGuire & The Brassholes

So I spent Sunday afternoon going round in circles on Glasgow subway being entertained by Tom McGuire & The Brassholes who will be launching their debut album on 3rd February at the Glasgow QMU.

We had so much fun and even managed some shoogly dancing.  It was an absolute treat but it might have spoiled the subway forever for the wee ones as they’re now going to be expecting to be serenaded every time they get on.  Check out #brassholesunderground on Twitter or FB for videos.

For more information on the band or to book your tickets for the album launch visit the band pages on FB or Twitter 

 

 

Missing Conversation Four

(16th November 2018 – The day that should have seen the demise of Theresa May)

Nic: Hiya pal, how you doing? You all right?

Alex: Ach aye, I’m all right, it’s hard not to let this crap get you down. I’d really hoped it would all have been sorted before Christmas. Don’t think I’ll be getting invited to play Santa this year at the Christmas party. I know one or two folk who’s on the naughty list for sure and none of them are bloody me. What’s up anyway? I know you didn’t call so I could depress you.

Nic: Naw, I called to try and cheer you up. Have you seen the news today?

Alex: Nope, sure I can’t watch live TV when I’m at home. Fucked if I’m paying a license to help fund state propaganda. I hope to fuck the Scots abolish that garbage as soon as they’ve taken their Independence. Enjoying the peace for once anyway, how what have I missed?

Nic: They’re turning on that auld bag faster than the Hadron Collider on coonsil.  It’s looking like she’ll not last the day.

Alex: Been a long time coming. Fields of wheat will be wilting all over the world in case she comes seeking solace. She’s a canny auld coo though, don’t be surprised if she holds on, for all I detest her she’s more resilient than a titanium tank.

Nic: Aye true, we’ll see what happens. Check out the news when you get the chance, you’ll get a right good laugh. Come over to mine and watch it there later if you want. In fact, you could go just now, Pete’s in he’ll stick some pizza and goujons in the oven and it means I’ll know you’ve ate something. I’m sure there’s some of that whisky left from last time, have a swally and I’ll catch up when I get in.

Alex: Aye all right, thanks for keeping an eye on me.

Nic: No bother. Oh before I go, you need to see what that lassie the Paisley Ponderer has done with My Way. I’ve been singing it all day. It’ll make you smile for sure.

Alex: I’ll have a look when i get to yours so be warned me and Pete could have the karaoke on when you get in. Right if you’re speaking to Pete tell him I’m on my way.  Hasta la vista baby.

Nic: Later gator, mhaw.

The missing conversations 1

Not sure why the media’s so interested in this…

Alex: Hi Nic, how’s things? You ready for this shitstorm pal? We always knew it was just a matter of time ’til they tried this pish.

Nic: I know Alex but I’m still gutted, makes me sick to my stomach the depths they’ll go to divide our nation and weaken the cause. I don’t know why I’m surprised though, remember that time they infiltrated the party?

Alex: Aye and when they tried to run me off the road just before the referendum but look how far we’ve come since then, we’re closer than ever and they’ve shot themselves in the foot this time with all their double dealings and lies. It’s all about to explode in their faces when I take them to court and show what a dirty, rotten, filthy pile of shite they are. Don’t you worry, I’ll resign for now to keep the party strong and when I’ve humiliated the fuckers in court I’ll re-join just in time to jump over the last hurdle. Don’t let the bastards get you down, promise?

Nic: Aye all right then, it’s not like I’m not used to their crap. I just hate to see a scholar and a gentleman treated so appallingly but you’re right it’s just another part of showing their true colours to the world. I hope we don’t need to wait too long for your name to be cleared.

Alex: Don’t worry Nic, honestly even the diehard unionists who usually detest me have been sending me messages telling me they know it’s all bull-shit . We’ve got a job to do that’s way bigger than me, so promise no matter what happens you will never allow them to fuck things up for the cause.

Nic: I promise pal, I’ve got this. You look after yourself and I’ll keep improving things until it’s time to make the Declaration. I need to wait a wee bit to see if we need to win another general election before declaring or if I’ll be calling another referendum when Brex-shit is triggered.

Alex: Either way we’re gonna win this time Nicola, the dream won’t only never die, it’s gonna come to life and the people of Scotland will party like they’ve never partied before. I really can’t wait to see the celebrations but first I need to deal with this drivel. Listen I better go just now, I’ve got a show to record where I’ll be exposing more of their lies. I’ll catch you soon, keep your chin up and your eyes on the prize. I’ll be fine.

Nic: You too Alex. See you soon. Big hugs from me.

#funfiction #soundaboutrighttome

A moose loose in Holyrood hoose!

There’s a moose loose in Holyrood hoose,
because the foodbank hud nae cheese!
And the delays in universal credit 
had brought it tae its knees.
“I’m a gallus wee moose,
and a don’t mean to gloat.
but at least I’m no a ferry company,
Without a blinkin’ boat!”

Mibbee it’s a Waspi moose,
with a sting within his tail.
Terrorised and traumatised
by another government fail.
“I scurried up from Blackpool,
to share ma tail of woe,
about how that fracking fiasco
is no’ the way to go.”
Austerity is over, so they say at least,
but the foodbanks still got nae cheese
and the moose that’s loose in Holyrood hoose
is still on his blinkin’ knees!!

https://www.thenational.scot/news/17346207.a-mouse-loose-in-holyrood-hoose-caught-on-camera/?fbclid=IwAR0vUUmbpJnTugi_6mitxKlYXJ9W9yczSaYBqsz5wAcveOynEUpHl5wV6rk

A Fiver for Fairness

I’m no duchess dripping in pearls,
not counting my silver like the earls.
I knew it was never about the amount
an act of support is what did count.
No ermine coat will await this lady,
No matter where fate will lead me.
No turn-coat treachery will entice me,
to sell out my own to those who vex me.
No titles, lands or gifts from the crown
but don’t worry it won’t bring me down.
My riches are life’s little treasures,
taking heart from simple pleasures.
A smile, a hug, a rainbow a dance,
a fated encounter brought by chance.
When justice prevails, and the truth shines bright,
When I wake in the morning to see the sun light.
A thank you letter from our former First Minister,
another blow to the walls of Westminster
A fiver #ForFairness is worth every penny,
as the legacy lives on to protect the many.

#ForFairness #CongratulationsAlexSalmond