Writing for Freedom

Submerged

Suddenly the sadness

submerges me

leaving me gasping

for breath

Drowning in

an ocean of tears

Trying with all I have

to stay afloat

but I’m so tired

of trying

and getting nowhere

Going round and

round in circles

getting nothing

but dizzy

and disorientated

Finally,

I crack…

My head explodes

The contents spewing

everywhere.

Holding my breath

I go under

No longer in control

Going deeper

Into the darkness

Of the abyss.

Don’t Serve Me Platitudes

From your perch on high

Don’t preach to me of God’s in the sky

Walk with me, show me your hand.

Tell me tales from your wondrous land.

Don’t Serve Me Platitudes,

From a story you bought.

Share with me what life has taught.

When I’m in turmoil feeling pain.

Your platitudes taste like acid rain.

Don’t Serve Me Platitudes

You hide behind.

Open your heart,

just be kind.

Don’t serve me platitudes

That leave a bitter taste.

Serve instead some divine grace.

Don’t serve me platitudes

That make you sound like a mug.

It’s love I need,

Just give me a hug.

When I’m tired

and look a wreck.

It’s not platitudes I need,

it’s just to connect.

If you’ve been reading my posts lately, you might have noticed that I’ve been going through a notebook I write some scribblings in while going through my own cancer journey. If you’re new here, don’t worry, I am one of the lucky ones who survived but like itself, the journey left some scars. I hope and pray for all those who are touched by cancer in their own life and that together we can do better to support people who are touched in anyway by cancer and also that we will find a way to cure cancer before too long. For now, I leave you some of the pondering of an over-loaded mind. Hope you enjoy them and make you smile, especially the little dino picture that was created by my little girl for her mum with not much notice. Thanks Aimee, love you xx

Xylophoneasaurus

An imaginary dinosaur who banded together with other dinosaurs and played music as the dinosaurs died. As birds fed on the insects on the dinosaur’s skin, they make music.

Xylophoneasaurus was shaped a bit like a Stegosaurus and though he could conduct the music, he couldn’t play by himself.

He was a rare breed and had a place in dinosaur society revered by others. Xylophoneosaurus often rose to the top of their tribe and were often the shamans in the group.

They dreamed more than other dinosaurs including daydreams so sometimes were described as lazy and distracted.

But the dreams of the Xylophoneosaurus contained messages for the clan and when food was in short supply the Xylophonosaurus would receive messages to help nourish the group, either by discovering sites where food was in abundant supply or by providing the group music to nurture their souls until food arrived. When the clan needed to relocate the Xylophoneosaurus would be joined with some crows on his back who provided the team with marching music. The Xylophonosaurus was often nick-named XI.

The Keys

When St. Peter calls, I’ve already weighed my heart and it’s only up I go.

Don’t ask me, I can’t tell you, how in hell I know.

Ramblings

The ramblings of a mad woman or the ponderings of a poet?

Does anyone ever become one and do they ever know it?

I’m tired boss.

I’m tired of a world where people claim to remember but act like they forgot.

I’m tired of the nastiness, the bitterness, the cruelty, and the willingness to accept tyranny.

I’m tired of holding myself together when I am falling apart and falling apart only to put myself back together to face more of the same.

I’m tired of the willingness to demonise, label and other because the media tells people to.

I’m tired of living in a prison of other people’s fear…

but when the day and time comes that I face my judgement…

I will know I took that tiredness, and I chose…

Freedom over tyranny…

Faith over fear…

Hope over desperation…

And I tried.

Excuse the language but…

I’ve been going through my “Voyage” notebook that I scribbled in when I had cancer, along with lots of other things I stumbled across this poem, I wrote it as a way to release some of the frustration and stress I was experiencing and to consign to words some of the heavier aspects of my life. My spoonful of sugar that helps me deal with these frustrations is putting on music while I’m tidying up etc.

I fucking hate housework

Cleaning a house that never looks clean

Putting away all the things that are seen

Clutter and chaos, aggravates my homeostasis

Makes my blood boil and leaves me frustrated.

I don’t mind the doing, at least not the once.

It’s the over and over that drives me insane.

I clean and declutter; wash all the clothes.

Only to find more mess under my nose.

Sort and order, put it away,

To do it all over the very next day

If only a simple cycle would suffice

I’m going in circles, making things nice.

Nobody notices the things that I do

But if I stop for a day, they all turn blue.

Order from chaos feeds my soul.

Yet housework never leaves me feeling whole.

The Looking Glass

I’m sorry you are hurting

Believe me when I say

I know how it feels to hurt,

To experience, to feel deeply,

To feel cut to the bone

By words intended to help

Sometimes, the pain is so raw,

flesh torn, a heart shattered,

By circumstance, that the dance

Of life is merely a twinkle

From a distant star

That cannot wound you

Further, slipping into silence

In a world consumed by violence

Time after time

I’d hear the words…

“I just want the old you back.”

but that is not who I am,

now, I am more than before.

Made stronger, made wiser,

Built different with every trial,

every tribulation, every tear.

Each winter and summer,

Every autumn and spring

Re-writing the story

Only living can bring.

Every season will come again,

No matter how much I or we

Wish they would stay at bay.

I cried, so many tears,

At times, I wrote rhymes.

I sang in my head and aloud

Of the things I could feel

When my lips were sealed.

A world where at times I feared

People being too near,

Too close for comfort.

I found peace, time to heal.

In solitude, I sought sanctuary

the arms of angels held me,

carried me through, back to you

when the time was right

for the end of night.

When I had overcome

the depths, the winters, the fires,

shattered dreams reborn

no longer forlorn.

Too tired to repeat the cycles

Of people listening

But not hearing.

To explain, the rain

Over and over again.

As I fell asleep in my bed,

I bent my head,

To pray, the next day

Would be easer to bare.

To find my way there,

Back to the heart

Without tipping the apple cart.

I knew I had to be true,

To me, or I’d have slipped away

Long ago and along the way

Of being me, I was understood

By those who could see,

I can be nothing less than me.

With my heart brave and bold,

my love of songs, new and old.

That in every dance,

I dream of romance,

Of love, of freedom.

Mind entranced

by the harmony of life.

Even in strife,

blessings to be found

as I looked around

They are part of me

As I am of you

I never stopped loving

With all my heart

Even when we were apart.

I tried my best at every turn,

Even when it burned.

Please forgive me,

Try to understand,

To hear, I have always

Wanted you near.

A raw wound is messy

And easy to tear,

And all I was doing

Was of myself, taking care.

I’ve come through it all

I’m a tower of strength.

And I appreciate you’d

Go to any lengths

The old me is gone now,

but I can still be your best friend.

This is a new beginning, not the end.

A woman with passion

And love in her heart.

My mission is clear

To treasure this world

And all I hold dear.

To care for the future,

As I have for the past

To always love the person

I found in the looking glass.

Every Day

Every day, I love you more,

Every night, I need you more.

Falling deeper and deeper for your charms.

Feeling held, though not yet in your arms.

Wishing more desperately, every day

to be there beside you, caressing you

with words, dripping sweet honey

into your heart.

Lips touch, gently, softly,

exploring, delving deeper

as the mystery begins to unravel.

Loving you, loving me.

Seeing you, see me.

Touching your heart

even while apart.

Together facing every day.

Even when you’re far away.

Your beauty astounds me,

your perfection confounds me.

Every move you make inspires,

sets me on fire, my soul burning

in ways I’ve never known before.

Each kiss divine, the stars aligned

to make you mine and every day,

in every way, I will try my best

to be all of me with you,

if you be all of you, with me.

With so much love for you,

I dream of the day we say, I do.

The Promised Land

What if he doesn’t?

He does.

Why hasn’t he told me?

He will.

Are you sure?

Have faith child

Providence smiles

On this sacred union

Twin souls reunited

After lifetimes

oceans of tears

Cannot separate

What is bound

In divine love

The fire burns

Brighter, together,

With more passion

Than you’ve ever known

Trust in me

And I will lead you

Straight to Paradise

The gates are open

Cross the bridge

And walk across water

Where the promised land

Awaits

If Only…

I’m boggin’ the day
No guan anywhere
Jammies on, alone
N’ don’t gie a flying
I wish I wiz wae you
But a umnae
Shrugging ma shoulders
Wae a lopsided grin
Looking in the mirror
To see within
Check the nick of you
I say to myself
Then shrug again
Saying wit the hell
The sky’s aw grey
The rain pouring doon
There’s nothing exciting
Happening in toon
Too cauld ootsude
To go oot wandering
So I turn up the heat
And staun here pondering
Who’s gonna love you
Now yer auld
And fa’ing to bits?
Who’s gonna love you
Ye’ve lost yer wits.
Will I find my hero,
Is it too late for me?
Forever and ever
A fantasy, it seems
Happily ever after,
In my eyes, laughter,
If only, I whisper,
If only, I dream,
If only…