The Final Whistle

Sitting on the side-lines

cheering less and less

Disconnected voices

never sensing my distress.

Benched by circumstance

not an inability to play

Poverty of opportunity

the price I’m forced to pay.

 

How do I stay connected,

when I’m stuck within these walls?

 

I still turn up to training,

hoping my time has yet to come.

but the team fails to see

the shadow I’ve become.

The alarm bell is ringing

the side-lines call again,

but I’ve decided to stay at home

reconnect with lost friends…

 

Will they notice my disconnection,

or the space upon the bench?

 

I shower and prepare myself

for this meeting of minds

No longer care about connecting

with my team-mates who went blind.

I check my reflection in the mirror

to check I’m ready to go

then I count out the tablets

before I change my mind to no.

 

Did we win today I wonder,

as the final whistle blows…

 

 

National Suicide Prevention Week 2019

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, advice and help can be found here.

http://www.nspa.org.uk

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

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Inside

Inside, I scream

Imprisoned, I feel

Impatient, I am

Being, ignored.

Unheard, I wait.

Knowing, I am

Not invisible. 

                                                     

I stand waiting

To be heard.

 Observed, I am

  Judged unjustly.

Denied, basic health care.

 I plead my case

Over and over.

Expected to wait and wait

 For answers that don’t arrive

 On time to ease my mind

Only broken promises.

Neglect triggers frustration

 Agitation builds as I wait.

I remain locked up.

Trapped, kept away.

Insecurity with issues

Related to giving up.

 My phone, my respect,

My life, my family.

  In your hands.

I dance.

               

 Alone, nobody listening

Yet talking, discussing me,

 Without me, annoyance builds,

And, the anger turns to disgust.

Unjust treatment to distrust,

 Sickened not sick, I retreat.

  Quick, protect yourself.

From this prison cell

These four walls

This confined space

So much time unlived.

 I try to forgive.

With a sigh

I cry.

Locked out of life,

In its fullest glory

Shorter pages

In my story.

Relief it’s nearly time

 Time to breathe              

And then BOOM!

Comes another aftershock,

From the mouth of the doc

News I can’t digest

Creating unrest.

Inside my mind.   

Where I find

  I’m free to be me.

In this enforced isolation.

Sanctioned separation.

 Disconnection from my world

 From my boys and girls.

Yet every time, I rise again

  Anew, refreshed, and then

  There are the side effects.

Mind blurs,  legs wobble,

Stomach aches, unsafe now

I retreat from the threat

To my sanity from the insanity

The noise, and tune out to tune in.

To myself, where wisdom, I find

 Where worlds hide, waiting to remind    

To lead me back through the darkness   

Of veiled threats, of being manipulated,

  Coerced, bullied, threatened    

With physical force expecting me

  To “wholly comply”

   I deny, and revoke your

right to reply.

Rashelle Reid